God Makes All the Seeds Grow

The sun steps out from behind the clouds to paint all of Kernville in a watery glow of warmth. Spring is splashing in. You can feel it on your arms and face when you step out of the dim house. Green seeps up through the brown grass. An airplane cuts a ripple high in the sky, and small birds trickling from the trees clip the air with their short songs. On days like this, we just can't keep the New Day kids inside; it would be an injustice never mind the fact that we also would rather be playing tag on the playground rather than pushing kids through homework or through a difficult Bible lesson. So we go to the park.

Somehow on these hopeful, pleasant days, however, the most unpleasant quarrels come up between the kids. Someone gets pushed. Someone doesn't want to be "it". Someone gets called names. And finally, someone has had enough. On these days, we five SAs feel all the more (if that is possible) our inexperience as we struggle to address all the wrong between these these kids and somehow show them the way of God. I feel the pressure of the kids' future characters in my care because attitudes left uncorrected at this age will only grow into a greater hindrance to their faith as they age. I see in the kids a sprouting hatred for others they view as not as important and an awoken sense of entitlement. It takes all we can be to be vigilant for these at every second of our day, but no matter our effort, it is impossible to stay ahead.

The crew in front of the Washington Monument over the past weekend.
From Left: Evan, Krista, Abby, Leah, Jonathan, Me, Eva

Then again, I cannot blame them because the same cruelty and greed that comes from that hatred and entitlement is so evident in adults. We ask kids to share, obey teachers, listen, be polite, don't hit back, when adults all around find it perfectly justifiable to hoard what they earn, rebel against authorities, speak their opinions loudly, insult others, and fight back to repay any grievance to themselves. I know that some day our sweet New Day kids will grow into adults like this, and even that I am an adult like this. On days at the park, I can already see this adult-like hardness forming.

It is even more evident in the middle schoolers who experience what I would say is a lot of relational drama for their age. They talk about who's dating, and who likes who, and then there's those times when someone has to go through a break up. A seventh grader, was complaining about how much harder middle school is than elementary school. I asked him why he thought that was. His insightful answer : "Probably because it's a lot of kids trying to act grown." You're not wrong, you're not wrong at all.

On this last day at the park, I found myself confronted with one of the hardest "grown" attitudes to combat. Two of the girls had fallen into a disagreement. This isn't uncommon. At all. In short, the oldest had had the last of it, and she was ready to fight. "Fighting won't solve any problems.... it won't fix your friendship.... you have no right to hurt any one else because God loves every one of us," I reasoned. We went back and forth, but she was in no way convinced. "What else am I supposed to do ?! I am not going to take this from this little girl anymore! You all aren't going to do anything so I have to!" This individualistic self sufficiency, this fear-based relationship manipulation, this hatred and superiority, this distrust of her teachers; it was so wrong, but so hard to answer because it's so easily justified. Adults do it all the time. 

Getting my hair dyed with henna (part of a Learning Component)
From Left: Krista, Me, Evan

Henna tattoos the same night

I don't often try to stick up for pacifism at New Day. When the older boys glorify fights, weapons or power, I stay quiet for the most part. I know they won't understand because though a peaceful Christ is so central to my understanding of the gospel, I know it's not that way for many Christians. The other week, though, I tried to explain. I started by interjecting, "Guys, violence doesn't solve problems, there are other ways to respond." My idea was immediately under fire and of course they went straight for worst case scenario - "Are you saying if someone sexually assaulted you, you wouldn't fight back?" I really don't know what I would do. Jesus talks about different responses we should have to dehumanization in Matthew 5 but the meaning is entrenched in cultural understanding. I tried breaking it down for them - your response should expose the wrong, it is not passive, it's creative, at least it's letting you be the bigger person, it's not reacting in the same wrong way - but the more I talked, the dumber I sounded and the more I was losing them. Pacifism sounds, on the surface level, as weak, stupid, and nonsensical, only when you get to the core of true sacrifice can you begin to understand the great courage it must require. And yet, some of these kids had been sexually assaulted already, and as I looked at them encouraging them to not fight back, they already knew what price it would come with. 

Riding the Metro in DC! You can see Leah and my henna dyed hair because we're standing in direct light.
From Left: Jonathan, Eva, Krista, Abby, Leah, Me
Photo Credit: You guessed it, it's Evan Finger

My inability to answer the girls at the park and my failure to defend pacifism bothers me. These are things I should be able to do. I expressed my frustration to Dorothy over tea one morning at the farm and after her empathy she said with such calm confidence, "Well, you're planting seeds, and who knows when they will sprout. Yep, you're just planting seeds." My immediate response is doubt. The kids didn't listen to me; they think I have stupid ideas; there's no way they will ever come to pacifism in the midst of their situations. No, these seeds are doomed. 

The thing about seed planting is that it's not really our job to make them grow. Spring at the farm means pulling seed trays out from under fall leaves, preparing them in the basement under grow lights, and tucking seeds into the dark soil so they can begin to sprout. All throughout the growing season we will be tilling, watering, transplanting, pruning and preparing these plants to bear, and often it's easy to think that it is our work that produces the life in the plant, that we make it happen. Obviously, this work must be done or the conditions for growth would be impossible, but we can't control the actual life of the plant. No, just like everything in this world, God makes things happen. It is God that makes the seed grow, God who wakes us every morning, God who moves the sun across the sky, God who turns the wheel of seasons, and God who makes gravity work on the white board marker so that it falls when Jared drops it (that's for you all Philosophy homies :) ). 

The philosopher G.K. Chesterton explores this "magic" in his book Orthodoxy. It's a fascinating idea, that really we know nothing about why things actually happen. Science knows gravity and can measure it but can't explain why it exists. Even more, we can't say for sure that this "law" must always happen. We only expect it to happen because that is what has happened every other time the marker was dropped, but we have no other reason to say it won't work the next time. Chesterton argues that this realization must lead us to continual wonder at all of our surroundings as continual works of God. Suddenly, the simple laws of the universe are miracles to themselves as God holds them in place. It's amazing that the seed grows. Every time. So, while we may work to provide the space needed for this miracle to happen, God causes the seed to grow. 

My attempt to instill a more scholarly view of our Bible stories. Today we will add the book of Jonah where it is missing. 

I've been learning this about myself too. I've always had the understanding that spiritual discipline led my soul closer to God by me changing myself to better fit God's calling. This Lenten season I've been reading (however sporadic and unfaithfully) A Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster, a recommendation by Leah and Krista. Foster challenged me first by quoting a writer Heini Arnold - "'...we cannot free and purify our own heart by exerting our own will,'" - and continued by saying this, - "The moment  we feel we can succeed and attain victory over sin by the strength of our will alone is the moment we are worshiping the will." Confronted by the fact that I in myself have no power over my own self I feel suddenly helpless. I suddenly see how all of my personal struggles are riddled by failure to self control. Foster continues however. "When we despair of gaining inner transformation through human powers of will and determination, we are open to a wonderful new realization: The needed change within us is God's work, not ours. The demand is for an inside job, and only God can do that work from the inside. We cannot attain or earn this righteousness of the kingdom of God; it is a grace that is given." Here, the righteousness by faith of Abraham is given new meaning, here the grace of God's salvation is given yet another value. In my imperfection, I am helpless, but God can change me. Oh, he is so good. The spiritual disciplines then are what prepares a space for God to work in me helping me welcome his Spirit into all the ugliness of my heart. I till, water, transplant, prune but God makes the seed grow, God changes my soul, not me. 

Of course, working to make room for God to walk alongside me in life is harder that just taking on my own self improvement DIY projects. Remembering to pray diligently, study his word daily and check my attitudes faithfully is a challenge for me, one that will be life long. If anything, it's given me a greater appreciation for God's grace as I fail my Lenten fasts and attempted daily devotions miserably. As I read Galatians throughout Lent I can join with Paul "eagerly [waiting] for the hope of righteousness" (Gal 5:5).  

I hope for God's work in me as I go to the farm every morning to plant seeds and then to New Day to plant some more. As spring comes crashing into Johnstown bringing park-worthy sunshine and bird song, I'm learning to trust God to work his way in me and to make the seeds grow.