On the Road

The year here in Johnstown is spinning fast to a close as spring speeds up our days with weekend trips, evenings at friends' houses, guests blowing in and out of our house, and the rushing toward the end a bit faster every day. New Day ends this week, our Sundays at church are limited, host family nights are well counted and summer plans intent on splintering our now family are hardening quickly. 

More and more frequently, as we approach our end, we've looked over our shoulders at the last nine months and laughed at our comically awkward first activities together, the painfully silent car rides and our unbelievable first impressions finally revealed. We laugh now at the time when we were such curious strangers because now we're such a curious family. Like a family, we now know each other's tastes in food or fashion, we share pillows and shower times (mostly without complaining...), we tease each other relentlessly, we ask each other every day, "How was your work?" and actually listen, and all sacrifice sleep on late car rides home from our weekend trips taking turns driving. 

In our over packed van driving from Canada to the US at Niagara Falls

But also like a family, our intimacy has worn thin the barrier to our anger, impatience, peevishness, complaints and insults which now come quicker to surface, and though our group has been called "mature," "solid," and "chill" (something that I've been very grateful for) we've come to our own points of yelling and hurt feelings at long last. I wish I could say that I am rarely at fault, but quite often I've been the one to feel the intense anger, irritation and hate rise up within me and not be able to stop it from coming out. There are moments when I feel myself break from the inside and feel so justified in unleashing a scalding wave of resentment (and I think the New Day kids are immature...) I hate seeing how it is my immaturity that is wounding our group, but everyday I unearth the ugliness that has been lurking in my soul. How is that I can be so dedicated to good and yet remain so much in bondage? I find Paul very relatable when he writes, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it" (Romans 7:15 - 20 emphasis added).

Ice cream at Shafer's (Johnstown Kline's equivalent)! We did this on the first day here as a unit and now as the weather got warmer we were happy to do it again. Please note the size of Jonathan's cone.
From left: Eva, Abby, me, Krista, Leah, Jonathan, Evan 

As I've been reading Galatians this spring, I've been questioning the bondage within me as Paul writes about freedom in Christ. What is keeping me from being fully found in the gospel, willing to take the great dares of faith, willing to step into trusting discomfort, willing to hold others above myself and able to see the world through the redeeming eyes of God? I've been finding that often it is myself that keeps me back from being wholly God's as I hold on to things that though may not be bad, are distracting me from God's vision. 

When I am angry, am I angry on God's behalf as Jesus was, or because I felt disrespected? When I am disheartened is it because some one else is in pain or because someone afflicted my unsteady self esteem? When I am excited is it because God's kingdom has been furthered or because I have been recognized and praised? In my life, am I ruled by God's agenda or by protecting my own interests?

How quickly everything changes! These pictures were taken two weeks apart by the flamboyant Evan Finger though the idea was all mine 

I am so surprised at how this watercolor turned out. It's inspired by my photo of the Stone Bridge from back in January (link). I found that Johnstown in winter can be painted with just three colors: blue, brown and black.

Leah often speaks about bondage in identity. Under Christ's salvation, our identity should stem directly from God and his purpose for our creation. Other identities and investments run the risk of getting in the way as God's agenda demands more and more. When being right blinds me to the need for compassion, when needing affirmation and respect from others comes before doing unconventional acts of sacrifice, when appearing acceptable in society keeps me from questioning values, when needing to feel justified leads me to speak over listening, or when the need to be fair undercuts the called for grace, I can see how my self constructed straight jacket is keeping me from living in freedom.

As I have written in my last long post, I have come to recognize that only God has the power to actually change our spirits, so I've been praying a lot recently that God would transform my inner ugliness since that's the only thing I really can do. Richard Foster, author of the aforementioned A Celebration of Discipline, writes that the purpose of all spiritual discipline is to create a space for God's spirit to come and transform us, and that's what I'm hoping for, that with every prayer in faith, I can make a little more room for the Holy Spirit to take over inside me alongside my rebellious human nature stuck on a crippling identity that is oh too easy to justify.

They had a weird jungle gym at the lakeside where we were camping over that cold, cold, cold April weekend.
From left: Krista, Jonathan, Leah, Eva and me.

More camping fun pictures

The search for the Holy Spirit in my life has been long and antagonizing starting probably from the beginning of my faith journey. During Touring Choir, I discovered that I wasn't feeling the vibes like everyone else and that frustrated me beyond belief. Where were my chills, my words from God, my visions and instructions for the path forward? Praying seemed like speaking to nothing. Things haven't changed much let me say that, but, I have been thinking about it lately.

I met a pastor while volunteering a few weekends ago who in the absence of work to do spoke to me over the clatter and hum of the kitchen about the importance of Spirit (among other topics). Though he was only speaking about something as fundamental as the Spirit, his perspective rocked my world for those three hours and the days after that. Unlike so many Christians, he talked as though he could get advice from God just by asking, that his every moment was advised, that it was as easy as listening to anyone else and not the silent, occasional-small-whisper God I always imagine. He even added in that he had heard the Spirit saying that this is what he should talk to me about - the conflict of the Spirit and knowledge. I listened for a long time before finally letting loose, "Yeah, I agree with you but listening is really hard.... I haven't figured out how God speaks to me yet." His quick reply - "No, you can't figure God out... All you are commanded to do is 'Hear' and 'Obey.'" What?! You mean God is purposefully leaving me in the dark? My new pastor friend continued on in terms of suffering leading to character, the incalculable value of the Spirit, and the omnipotence of God throughout it all. I get it. God would know better than anyone what would best glorify him, but my frustration remains as I look to decisions I will soon make about my future; how should I make them if I can't hear God's will?

All us girls ran at the Johnstown Christian School 5K (the same day I met my pastor guy). I placed 2nd in my age category! From left: me, Abby, Krista, Leah, Eva

Of course, I am not sure that he was right though God removing his Spirit is Biblical-ly supported. There's also the power within ourselves that we resist the work of God whether it's the "conscious 'No, God'" as Theresa says or not. As I talked in frustration later, Krista said something that seemed additionally relevant - "just make sure you're seeking God's presence and not just answers." If I were to be handed the direction for my life, I would go confidently towards it, no looking back, but would I then remember to keep coming back to God, resting in his presence, seeking his character, laying my concerns in him more than just the touch-and-go requests that characterize the vending machine God relationship? Probably not. I realized then that I feel very much like Simon from Acts 8. When I read his story I see so much how I am him. I want the Spirit to do great things, I've been baptized but am still without the Spirit, people look at me think I am so strong in faith, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to follow God. And yet, Peter condemns Simon more violently than almost any other sinner in the New Testament saying, "I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin," (Acts 8:23). He answers, "Pray to the Lord for me so that nothing you have said may happen to me," (Acts 8:24).

Hiking with Mississippi friends! We enjoyed the long, Memorial Day weekend with the MS Service Adventure unit in Knoxville which happened to be halfway point between us and them; we exchanged many dares, shared much food, squeezed into one van and had a great time.
From left: Krista, Leah, Niklas, Evan, Karissa, Jonathan, me, Renee, and Eva 

What happens to Simon after that? Does he discover humility and become a good disciple? Why doesn't it say? Pray to the Lord for me, all of you readers, that my bondage to sin will be broken day by day, and that I will not continue to be like Simon. 

I already know that I am on the road. Seeing my pride is the first step to humility. Frustration with my anger is the first step towards compassion. Praying my awkward prayers is the first strep towards seeing the world through God's eyes. Making plans focused on God's agenda rather than my own is the first step towards selflessness. My victories are small (in comparison to my flagrant, loud failures) when I sacrifice part of my time to do something for a housemate, speak intentionally about my feelings rather than exploding, decide on challenging summer service in South Dakota over rationalized but easy occupations, and closing my mouth when I realize how arrogant my words would be. As I fail and succeed day by day, I find myself praying, "Holy Spirit, walk with me," and I imagine my feet moving in step with God's Spirit which I must believe is by my side where ever I go, for I know that though the way ahead of me is long, I am on the road. 
 

We had to stop on our ten hour drive back from TN on our visit to the MS unit at New River Gorge. WV has some astounding mountains for sure.
From left: Evan, Eva, Leah, Krista, Jonathan, me.